I had to use my cane today. The pain in my low back keeps increasing the longer I'm out of physical therapy. It feels like someone has a tiny vice grip clamping down on my nerves and they're pulling it as hard as they can... The pain radiates down past my knees, now. Before I had the epidural of cortisone in January the pain down my legs wasn't any where near this bad, but it seems to have gotten worse since. Although, with stopping physical therapy it has gotten exponentially more painful. I feel as if my legs might give out at any time. Like I may just collapse where I stand. My daughter has already seen me crumble from the pain of back spasms, how much more does she have to be witness to? I pray for healing, because how else can I take care of her? Who else would be able to do it? There is no one. My parents are in no position to raise a 5 year old. Her father isn't around, by his own choice. I need to get better. I need healing. How can I heal properly when the "powers that be" have taken away something that was helping me so much?
I try to remind myself to breathe deep and slow. Remembering to do this is the difficult part. My brain feels so scattered I can't keep anything organized in there. As if my gray matter were more of a gray blob. Memories and information just bouncing freely around in my skull, randomly colliding with each other to remind me of something I once knew.
On a positive note, my head didn't feel like it was going to explode today! Just the dull, nagging headache that I've come to expect on a daily basis. Now, before talking about headaches causes me to have one, I shall retire to the comfort of my bed.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Friday, March 11, 2011
How it all began
The day is July 24, 2010. It's a beautiful summer day in Western New York. I'm driving home from a farmer's market in Buffalo. My usual route takes me North bound on the I-190, getting off at exit 23, Porter/Packard Rd. I'm the second car from the red light. When the light changes, the car ahead of me passes through the intersection without incident. As I'm driving through I hear a horn, and suddenly my car is struck and I'm spun 180 degrees around and all the way across the street. My 2007 Ford Focus is now totaled. My entire body is sore. I have a very large, very nasty bruise from my seat belt on both my shoulder and my lower belly. All I keep thinking is "Thank GOD my daughter wasn't with me!".
The 18 year old girl who ran the red light is Canadian, this was her first time driving in the States. Her statement to the police officer was something along the lines of "I didn't know what the light meant". Are you kidding me?? I've been to Niagara Falls, Canada, the lights are EXACTLY the same!
OK, that's my vent. I don't want to make this blog about being upset with her, I've actually forgiven her. That's the thing about being a Christian, you forgive people. Carrying around all that anger would just drive me crazier than I already am!
Since the accident I have been on disability. There is very little that I'm able to do that I could before. I wasn't able to take my daughter to do everything I wanted to for the remainder of the summer. I'm terrified to drive anywhere that will take me longer than 5 minutes to get to. Every intersection I see the potential accidents that could occur. Every horn makes my heart race. Admitting this scares me even more. Yes, I'm talking to someone, and I'm taking medication to help me with these feelings of anxiety. Yet, just typing all of this my heart rate is speeding up, my hands are shaking, I feel unsteady, my eyes start to blur. Crazy, right? The really crazy part is the physical pain I'm in.
According to the MRI I had in September I have 4 damaged discs in my neck, and 2 in the lumbar region of my back. Some fully herniated, some bulging, pressure on my spinal canal, annular tears, nerve damage. All very frightening words. I also have a headache that will not go away. Most days it's a nagging headache, like tiny men are hammering in my brain. Other days, I get migraines so debilitating that I can do nothing but lay in a dark room and try to sleep. I have migraine pills, they help some of the time, but not always. The infusion I got at the neurological center was wonderful, it took away a migraine that was 2 days old and still going strong.
I've been seeing a Chiropractor 3 days a week since August 2, 2010. He's amazing and on the days I see him my headaches aren't quite as bad. He wasn't able to do much for my lower back so I started to see a physical therapist, after 2 months of that my insurance company decided to send me for an IME, an "independent medical exam"... yeah, independent my rear. This joke of a doctor saw me for all of 5 minutes, barely laid his hands on me and then said I no longer need PT, don't need surgery, no need to see an orthopedic surgeon at all. Yes, I'm more than a little frustrated about that.
It's been about a month since I've had physical therapy, my back hurts so much more than before. I'm now getting numbness, tingling and pain down the sides of both of my legs. It's scary.
So, the point of starting this blog is so that I have a way to track my pain a little better. So I can get some of this out. Holding it in isn't helping me at all. My anxiety attacks have increased, my pain is worse, and it's been over 7 months. At this point, I'm willing to try anything.
The 18 year old girl who ran the red light is Canadian, this was her first time driving in the States. Her statement to the police officer was something along the lines of "I didn't know what the light meant". Are you kidding me?? I've been to Niagara Falls, Canada, the lights are EXACTLY the same!
OK, that's my vent. I don't want to make this blog about being upset with her, I've actually forgiven her. That's the thing about being a Christian, you forgive people. Carrying around all that anger would just drive me crazier than I already am!
Since the accident I have been on disability. There is very little that I'm able to do that I could before. I wasn't able to take my daughter to do everything I wanted to for the remainder of the summer. I'm terrified to drive anywhere that will take me longer than 5 minutes to get to. Every intersection I see the potential accidents that could occur. Every horn makes my heart race. Admitting this scares me even more. Yes, I'm talking to someone, and I'm taking medication to help me with these feelings of anxiety. Yet, just typing all of this my heart rate is speeding up, my hands are shaking, I feel unsteady, my eyes start to blur. Crazy, right? The really crazy part is the physical pain I'm in.
According to the MRI I had in September I have 4 damaged discs in my neck, and 2 in the lumbar region of my back. Some fully herniated, some bulging, pressure on my spinal canal, annular tears, nerve damage. All very frightening words. I also have a headache that will not go away. Most days it's a nagging headache, like tiny men are hammering in my brain. Other days, I get migraines so debilitating that I can do nothing but lay in a dark room and try to sleep. I have migraine pills, they help some of the time, but not always. The infusion I got at the neurological center was wonderful, it took away a migraine that was 2 days old and still going strong.
I've been seeing a Chiropractor 3 days a week since August 2, 2010. He's amazing and on the days I see him my headaches aren't quite as bad. He wasn't able to do much for my lower back so I started to see a physical therapist, after 2 months of that my insurance company decided to send me for an IME, an "independent medical exam"... yeah, independent my rear. This joke of a doctor saw me for all of 5 minutes, barely laid his hands on me and then said I no longer need PT, don't need surgery, no need to see an orthopedic surgeon at all. Yes, I'm more than a little frustrated about that.
It's been about a month since I've had physical therapy, my back hurts so much more than before. I'm now getting numbness, tingling and pain down the sides of both of my legs. It's scary.
So, the point of starting this blog is so that I have a way to track my pain a little better. So I can get some of this out. Holding it in isn't helping me at all. My anxiety attacks have increased, my pain is worse, and it's been over 7 months. At this point, I'm willing to try anything.
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