I had to use my cane today. The pain in my low back keeps increasing the longer I'm out of physical therapy. It feels like someone has a tiny vice grip clamping down on my nerves and they're pulling it as hard as they can... The pain radiates down past my knees, now. Before I had the epidural of cortisone in January the pain down my legs wasn't any where near this bad, but it seems to have gotten worse since. Although, with stopping physical therapy it has gotten exponentially more painful. I feel as if my legs might give out at any time. Like I may just collapse where I stand. My daughter has already seen me crumble from the pain of back spasms, how much more does she have to be witness to? I pray for healing, because how else can I take care of her? Who else would be able to do it? There is no one. My parents are in no position to raise a 5 year old. Her father isn't around, by his own choice. I need to get better. I need healing. How can I heal properly when the "powers that be" have taken away something that was helping me so much?
I try to remind myself to breathe deep and slow. Remembering to do this is the difficult part. My brain feels so scattered I can't keep anything organized in there. As if my gray matter were more of a gray blob. Memories and information just bouncing freely around in my skull, randomly colliding with each other to remind me of something I once knew.
On a positive note, my head didn't feel like it was going to explode today! Just the dull, nagging headache that I've come to expect on a daily basis. Now, before talking about headaches causes me to have one, I shall retire to the comfort of my bed.
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